No More Mary-Sues!
by Akenokoru
Summary: The Fellowship encounters 9 strange beings. Who are they? What are they? And can the Fellowship banish them back to the shadows from whence they came? Warning all: one (1) swear word.


**NO MORE MARY-SUES!**  
  
A fic based on the works of Tolkien (who you love) by me (Shana B)  
  
Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Lord of the Rings. Actually, I bought the movie last week, but that's not the point. I don't own any of the original characters, but could I buy Pippin? Please?  
  
On with the fic!  
  
It was a wonderful day in Middle-Earth. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the Fellowship was leaving Rivendell on it's quest to destroy the One Ring and save the world. Or was that destroy the world and save the One Ring? No matter.  
  
Anyways, there they were, walking along, being very manly and heroic, doing manly and heroic things. That evening it was Legolas' turn to scout out a league or two ahead, while the others cooked (or burned, whichever you prefer) the evening meal. They were all sitting in manly and heroic silence, bored out of their skulls, when Legolas tore into camp.  
  
"Lo!" he cried, looking very excited for a normally composed Elf, "over yonder hills is a company of warriors much like our own." Glad for the change in conversation - glad for any conversation - the others all looked up. Only Gandalf did not look surprised. "They, like us, are nine in number, and they, too, have two men, a wizard, four hobbits, a dwarf and an elf. But"- here Legolas grew even more excited -"they are all females, stunningly beautiful, brave, and brilliant."  
  
The others sat back digesting this news - wonderful to everyone except Sam and Aragorn - when Gandalf rose from his seat.  
  
"This I have foreseen-" he began.  
  
"Then why didn't he tell us?" Pippin whispered to Merry. Merry shrugged and elbowed Pippin to keep him quiet.  
  
"This I have foreseen," Gandalf began again, glaring at Pippin, who shrunk back, whimpering, "and I can tell you we must not join their company, nor let them join ours."  
  
This was rather shocking news for the Fellowship - minus Gandalf, of course - so it was excusable for Boromir - who is not exactly renowned for his ability to resist temptation - to stand up and challenge the statement.   
  
"If they are brave and brilliant, why should we not travel together? Surely they have some aim unbeknownst to us, yet still as noble." The others nodded, thinking that Boromir had surely said something wise. Gandalf chuckled.  
  
"They have an aim," he said softly, "in that you are correct. But their aim is not noble. It is horrible, and would rob you of your strength and dignity. They are enchantresses, all nine, and can weave spells more terrible and powerful than Sauron himself"- a glare from Gandalf silenced Pippin's guffaws -"and they are called Mary-Sues."  
  
The Fellowship, not having heard the name before, questioned Gandalf's knowledge of it, whence he came by this information, and whether their names were all Mary-Sue. Gandalf smiled.  
  
"I am old and wise, in more ways than you imagine." Gandalf said, and Pippin swore he felt a chill run up his spine. Merry hushed him and Gimli boxed his ears for swearing. Before another word could be spoken, a noise like the howl of demons came over the hill, reaching the ears of the Fellowship. Gandalf blanched, and the others were apprehensive. Then came the storm.  
  
Nine of the most beautiful beings the Fellowship had ever seen came galloping over the hill, some on horses, some on ponies, and some on foot. Each of them had a captivating smile, brilliant eyes, and flawless skin, and each had several weapons hanging from the belts securing their well- fitting clothes. They were the Mary-Sues.  
  
The first, who had piercing grey eyes and long, dark brown hair secured in a braid, rode forward on her silver-grey horse with a sword at her side.  
  
"Hail." she said, with a grave, yet musical voice, "I am Aralaliel, called The Windsong by the Elves, and Jewel of the Seas by my people. I am Isildura's heir-"  
  
"Isildura?" Aragorn asked, stepping forward. Aralaliel smiled, and Aragorn - strangely enough - felt a rush of warmth flood through him. No, he thought to himself, you're engaged to Arwen - think Arwen!  
  
"Isildura was Isildur's older sister, who should have claimed the right of succession if it were not for her peaceful nature and abhorrence of war. I have been over the seas, and back again, and I must destroy the Ring of Sauron. I will introduce my noble and loyal comrades, who are the spirit of my song, my closest companions."  
  
Heck, Boromir thought, this girl was even more unbelievable and melodramatic than Gandalf. But his thoughts were cut short as a woman with a great shield strapped to her back rode forward on her horse - this one chestnut. She had long red hair, flying loose to her waist, and her eyes were flaming green.  
  
"I am Beladae, sworn to protect Aralaliel wherever she will go and on whatever quest she may choose. She is my liege and my most beloved sister."   
  
"I'm Fern!" A hobbit-sized pony, dapple-grey, came forward, but Frodo was concerned with the hobbit lass atop it. She has long, curly brown hair and captivating blue eyes. "I choose to come with my friends, to stop Sauron, and to find the Ring, and destroy it." She motioned to the other hobbit lass, just as beautiful, with shorter, wavy brown hair and green eyes. "This is my most trusted and beloved servant, Sally."   
  
Next, simply because they felt they were taking too long, two hobbit lasses came up together - because they didn't want to be separated, they said. They both had long, bouncy golden ringlets, and big blue eyes. Sheesh, Sam mused, their eyes are even bigger and bluer than Mr. Frodo's!  
  
"I'm Meredith, and this is my bestest friend, Pansy." The taller hobbit lass said. The smaller one waved cheerily at Pippin, who dazedly waved back.   
  
There were three more introductions to the Fellowship of the Mary- Sues: an Elven shieldmaiden, by far more beautiful and alluring and valiant and skilled than any the Fellowship had yet seen, or would see again. She was Lalaithea, the daughter of Elrond and Galadriel, a statement that made Aragorn blanch. If I marry Arwen, he thought frantically, then we'll be related!  
  
There was also a Dwarven lass, strong, grave, and axe-wielding. She called herself Thora, the daughter of Thorin Oakenshield. And lastly of all was the enchantress.  
  
She called herself Alcarinaiya, the enchantress from the South. Not only was she powerful, more so even than Gandalf, she claimed to be the lost leader of his order. Alcarinaiya was dressed in silver-white robes, with a gold sash about her waste. She carried a staff - much like Gandalf's - and her long black hair was pinned intricately onto her head. She had eyes that changed colour to match her mood - now they were green, the colour of peace. Or so she said. You can never be too sure with those Istari.  
  
After they were all introduced, an awkward silence descended on them all. But awkward silences can never stop a Mary-Sue! Their unofficial leader, Alcarinaiya, proposed that since both Fellowships were intent on the destruction of the Ring, they should join forces. Eight of the Fellowship that we know agreed. Gandalf wasn't too sure.  
  
"How do we know that you are not in disguise, and are not in the service of Sauron?" he asked. All the Fellowship of Mary-Sues looked a little worried, except for Alcarinaiya. Her eyes flashed dangerously.  
  
"How dare you say such things of us?" she drew her sword and held it to Gandalf's throat before you could say Istari. "Our design is to destroy the Ring, and only this."  
  
A few of the hobbit lasses exchanged meaningful looks, and giggled. Gandalf agreed to join them, reluctantly, and Alcarinaiya withdrew her sword.  
  
Thus came the beginning of what the Fellowship would later describe as the most torturous days of their lives. It started out wonderfully; after all it is rather nice to have someone throwing herself at you. Each member of the Mary-Sue Fellowship was intent on having a member of the Fellowship of the Ring fall for them - no matter how hard they would land. After a week or two of being rescued by the Mary-Sues and nursed back to health, in the hopes of vows of True Love, the Fellowship were scared, sickened, and utterly miserable. Soon they were insisting on sitting at separate campfires - much to the disappointment of the Mary-Sues.  
  
"Gandalf," Pippin asked, as they sat around 'their' campfire one night, "how did you know they were called," he lowered his voice for fear, "Mary-Sues?"  
  
"Let us say this, my dear Peregrin," Gandalf said, puffing at his pipe, "I know many things not limited to this world." At these words Pippin was more confused than ever and gave up, sitting miserably in the dark, trying to hide from Pansy. No one spoke, although they were almost sure that Gimli was sniffling.  
  
[pic] At the Mary-Sue's campfire, a very different conversation was taking place.  
  
"Oooh, this is just too much fun!" Pansy giggled, "I'm almost sure Pippin likes me now."  
  
"How could he not?" Meredith agreed, nodding, "especially after you've saved him and comforted him so much!"  
  
"I know!" Sally nodded. "My plan to have a romantic evening with Sam is just about ready."  
  
This statement brought about a new bout of giggles. Suddenly--  
  
"I don't know," Alcarinaiya said slowly, "I think Gandalf suspects us."  
  
"Of what?" the eight others chorused innocently.   
  
"Of not being from Middle-Earth--"  
  
"Sh!"  
  
"Here, I've got something that will help us all take our minds off of that," Lalaithea said, digging into her pack, "today, when you were all busy fighting those nasty Orcs-"  
  
"Ugh! Those Orcs are so annoying! No fashion sense at all!" Beladae interrupted.  
  
"Right." Lalaithea nodded. "But, when you were fighting, I stole their diaries!"  
  
This news made them burst into a chorus of squeals. Excitedly, they grabbed their love interests' diaries and began to read choice bits aloud.  
  
"I've got Aragorn's diary!" Aralaliel shouted, "Listen to this! It says: 'Today, Aralaliel saved me again. She is so noble, beautiful, and brave- no! Arwen Arwen Arwen! Think Arwen, Aragorn!' The rest of the page is just 'Arwen' over and over again."  
  
"Hey, it's Frodo's!" Fern giggled, "Here we go: 'These 'Mary-Sue' girls are starting to scare me. They must be telepathic or something. They all seem to know what's going to happen, where it's going to happen, and who it's going to happen to. They keep looking at Boromir and sighing as if he's about to die or something. It gives me the creeps!'"  
  
"Pippin's diary: 'I don't know why Gandalf calls them 'Mary-Sues'. None of them are called 'Mary-Sue', or 'Mary' or 'Sue'. Don't know what the heck he's talking about, because as little hobbit cannot be expected to understand all of Gandalf's big words.'" Pansy's eyes glowed. "So they've never heard of us!"  
  
"Of course they haven't," Arclarinaiya replied, "but Gandalf is suspicious. Do you think he knows about us?"  
  
The rest of the Mary-Sues burst out laughing.  
  
"What's so funny?" Arclarinaiya demanded.  
  
"You sound - like a - like you're from a - a bad fanfic - with - a slash Aragorn/Frodo/Sam love triangle!"  
  
  
  
So, as we all can guess, not many of the Fellowship were sleeping well. What with wonderings about where in Middle-Earth the Mary-Sues came from, and trying to protect their trousers, the Fellowship was terribly sleep-deprived, making it all the more easier for the Mary-Sues to indulge in hurt/comfort moments. It was on a night much like the night they met the Mary-Sues that the second blow fell.  
  
Legolas was out scouting, as usual - one, because he's an Elf, and can see far; and two, he wanted to be as far away from Lalaithea as possible come nighttime. The rest of the Fellowship was lying awake, dreaming up ideas of how to 'accidentally' bump off their Mary-Sue. So when Legolas came tearing back into camp, the others just thought that Lalaithea had followed him and had tried to extract vows of True Love from his lips. Or worse things.  
  
But when Legolas collapsed, shaking, on the ground, the Fellowship knew something was up. Even an Elven Mary-Sue couldn't scare Legolas that bad, no matter how - erm - persistent she was.  
  
"What's wrong?" Aragorn asked, going over to Legolas, "What did you see? More of these 'Mary-sue' fiends?"  
  
"No." Legolas croaked, trembling, "Something much, much worse."  
  
"What was it?" Boromir asked, bending over the Elf. The hobbits and Gimli clustered in the background.  
  
"Only three things could have frightened Legolas to such an extent." Gandalf said, in his most annoying 'wise' tone of voice. "But Sauron cannot be near here, and there is no pink lipstick in Middle- Earth. So there is only one thing he could have seen."  
  
"What?" Frodo asked, big, creepy blue eyes even wider than usual.  
  
"The masculine counterpart of a Mary-Sue." Gandalf sighed resignedly. "A Harry-Hugh."   
  
"Aaauugghh!" screamed the Fellowship.  
  
"Erm, what's a Harry-Hugh?" Pippin asked, getting a knock on the head for his trouble.  
  
"The masculine counterpart of a Mary-Sue!" Gandalf said, irritated, "That's just what I said before, if you were even listening, you fool of a Took! Harry-Hughs are just as skilled, just as handsome, brave, and noble. They have just as troubled pasts, and attract just as many members of the opposite sex - if not more. They are a force to be reckoned with, and a thing to be feared." Gandalf hung his head. Pippin burst into tears.  
  
"I have an idea!" Boromir cried, a giant light bulb suddenly appearing above his head. Frodo was being even mopier than usual.  
  
"Oh, great." he said sarcastically. "And your last great idea was just ingenious. Yes, let's use the Ring. What's your wonderful idea this time, Boromir?"  
  
"Now, you stop that, Mr. Frodo!" Sam chided, "Just because you don't know what to do, and you usually do, because you're great and brave and smart and wonderful, is no need to get testy!"  
  
With an air of offended dignity, Boromir began again.  
  
"Ahem. As I was saying, I've got an idea." He turned to Legolas. "How many Harry-Hughs are there?"  
  
"Nine." Legolas croaked out.  
  
"Perfect!" Boromir clapped his hands. Upon seeing the utterly confused looks of his comrades, he quickly explained. "You see, if there are nine Mary-Sues, and nine Harry-Hughs, and they are all so very very skilled in battle, and none of them ever lose, then, if we could get them to fight, wouldn't they end up killing each other?" The other Fellowship-ers nodded. "It would at least save us the trouble of killing all eighteen of them ourselves."  
  
"Great plan, Boromir!" Aragorn said, "But how to put it into action?"  
  
"We could send people to each camp," Merry suggested, "saying that the other was Sauron's forces in disguise, and we could get them to fight each other that way."  
  
"Good idea!" Boromir said. All was agreed, and people were chosen to go to each camp. Aragorn and Boromir would go to the Harry-Hugh camp, and Frodo and Sam would go to the Mary-Sue camp. Merry, Pippin, and Gimli would stay behind, and Gandalf would think over any possible flaws. With all this decided, they set off for the camps.  
  
  
  
At the Harry-Hugh camp, the Harry-Hughs were having tests of manhood and strength. Aragorn and Boromir were at the outskirts of the fire, trying to figure the best way to attract their attention, when the leader of the Harry-Hughs (looking remarkably like Aragorn, only with more muscles and less clothes) came up to them.  
  
"What do you want here?" He asked abruptly. No melodrama here, a fact Aragorn and Boromir were only too glad of.  
  
"We have come to warn you of a challenge." Boromir said, correctly guessing that no Harry-Hugh could resist a challenge. The other eight looked up, interested.  
  
"What kind of challenge?" The Aragorn look-alike asked.  
  
"Only a few leagues away lie nine of Sauron's most high-ranking minions. They are in the disguise of the nine most beautiful females ever to walk Middle-Earth. They have in their company two Humans, four Halflings, a Dwarf, an Elf, and an Istari. They are dangerous, and know of you. They will be waiting on yonder hilltop"- Aragorn pointed over his shoulder -"at noon of tomorrow to challenge you. You are the only ones who can slay them, and end their reign of terror."  
  
The Fellowship look-alikes grunted.  
  
"Plus," Boromir added, "In our camp are many beautiful women, who would doubtless be pleased with your skill and valour." The Harry-Hughs became much more interested with this.  
  
"Thank you for this news, friend. We will answer this challenge." The Aragorn look-alike said.  
  
"My pleasure." The real Aragorn replied.  
  
  
  
Back at the Mary-Sue camp, Frodo and Sam were having an even easier time of convincing the Mary-Sues to help. All they had to do was provoke their pity.  
  
Both had limped into camp after rubbing dirt and fake 'blood' into their faces and bodies. The Mary-Sues had rushed to their aid, ready for another round of hurt/comfort.  
  
"A few leagues away-" Frodo gasped.  
  
"Sauron's minions-" Sam choked.  
  
"In disguise as handsome, brave warriors-" Frodo wailed, becoming more and more pathetic with each word.  
  
"Will challenge you - tomorrow - at noon - on the hill- do not! O fair ones, you cannot risk thyselves against them!" Sam sobbed, getting more and more melodramatic by the second. But hey, you've got to stay with what works.  
  
"Yes!" Frodo cried, picking up on the idea, "They are more skilled than any we have yet met, and they would surely kill thee, being mere women- "   
  
Up till this point, the Mary-Sues had been shocked and worried, eager to nurse Frodo and Sam back to health. But with the 'mere women' comment, their attitudes changed abruptly.  
  
"Do you think we couldn't beat them because we're all girls?!?"  
  
"Well, we'll show them! And you!"  
  
"How dare you!"  
  
"We'll kick their asses!"  
  
"But," Sam interrupted their ranting, confused, "I'm sure they'll be riding horses, not donkeys, and why would you want to kick their mounts anyway?"  
  
"Argh!"  
  
  
  
It was in this mood that the Mary-Sues and Harry-Hughs marched to war. The Mary-Sues were infuriated, ready to defend their reputation, and the Harry-Hughs wanted to prove their manliness. Of course, they wanted to kill some minions as well, but that was only a secondary motive.  
  
When they assembled their battle lines, the Fellowship could have danced for joy. They were laughing when the Harry-Hughs and Mary-Sues charged each other, sure that their problems were over. But their faces fell when they saw that the Harry-Hughs and Mary-Sues were slowing down - they were gazing intently at each other - they had stopped. All at once, twenty-seven jaws dropped.  
  
"What went wrong?" Boromir asked, nearly pulling out his hair.  
  
"We should have known!" Gimli moaned, "Of course they'd fall in love with each other! They're all irresistible to the opposite sex!"  
  
"This is all your fault!" Frodo shouted at Boromir, "It was your idea!"  
  
Within seconds, everyone was yelling at everyone else, while the Mary- Sues and Harry-Hughs mingled on the field, gazing into each other's eyes and offering vows of True Love. All was noise and commotion until one loud voice shouted,   
  
"STOP!"  
  
That put a stop to all the fighting and mushiness right away. They all turned to see a teenage girl, looking around fifteen or so, with dark gelled hair, flashing eyes, and many piercings walked onto the field. Everyone was very interested in her clothes - a black tank top and blue jeans. This was Middle-Earth. There are no tank tops or jeans.  
  
"Who are you?" Twenty-seven voices asked at once.  
  
"I'm Shana B. I'm the author, and I've got some news for you." She cleared her throat.  
  
"What in Middle-Earth are you doing?!?" Shana screamed, blasting all twenty-seven back with her voice, "Sauron's getting a war ready, and what are you doing? Killing the good guys off!"  
  
"Well, if you'd tell us how to get rid of these Mary-Sues..." Frodo's voice trailed off. Shana nodded.  
  
"You're right. They annoy me just as much as they annoy you, Fro. I know what's to be done." She said.  
  
"You! Get back to the plot!" she yelled, pointing to the Fellowship, "And you!" she added, turning on the Mary-Sues and Harry-Hughs, "you get a choice. You can go back to the 'real world', where you came from, and be the mothers and fathers of all Mary-Sues and Harry-Hughs ever written, OR you can stay here and be the mothers and father of all Mary-Sues and Harry- Hughs." Shana folded her arms. "Your pick."  
  
The Mary-Sues and Harry-Hughs looked at each other, thought for a moment, and then replied:  
  
"We'll stay here."  
  
"Good." Shana said. "Now, I'll get you out of the way of the story, and send you-" she glared at the Fellowship "-back to the plot. Bippity"- the Mary-Sues disappeared -"Boppity"- the Harry-Hughs vanished -"Boo!" and the Fellowship was gone, presumably back to the plot, where they instantly forgot all their dealings with the horrible creatures called Mary-Sues and Harry-Hughs, probably saving them lots of money on therapy in the future. Shana B wandered off, probably to assassinate the Teletubbies. Everybody ended up happily ever after. Sort of.  
  
The End 


End file.
